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[26 Nov 2006|09:30am]
So I should write in this thing more. But at this point I’m pretty sure no one reads it anyways.

Chris came home from tour. I feel like things have changed, which they have and I can’t say for the better. When he left we where head over heals in love, now he doesn’t want to get married. It’s always about the money. I wonder if the money had no effect, if he’d still want to.

I feel like we’re falling apart. But what the hell can I do? Nothing. So I’ll just sit there and let it be what it wants to be.

Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. My family came down from Connecticut to meet Chris and where pretty excited to meet him. Chris was supposed to come up in the morning and then for whatever reason decided to come up in the afternoon. They where leaving at 5:00pm because my Uncle had to get back to close his store. Chris turned up at 4:40pm giving my family 20 minutes to meet him. How considerate huh?

But other then that, spending time with my family was pretty awesome. At one point it was so awesome that I choked on Dr. Pepper which came out my nose, mouth and eyes. Didn’t think that could happen did ya? Well it can and it’s painful.

I’m done college on January 4th. I’m pretty damn excited. I’ll have my degree and will be heading to Florida for Fullsail. I really wanted to go right away but circumstances may delay it. But whatever I do, I’m not wasting valuable time around here when I could be in school getting my degree. So I’ll wait, but not too long because my life will move on without me.

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[18 Oct 2006|11:27pm]
Living in Manchester isn’t like living in New York City… So when something big happens here, we all know about it and take it very seriously.

Not yesterday, but the day before Officers Briggs, a Manchester police man was shot one streets up from me. It sent the city into a panic as the shooter was on the run. Cars and homes where searched, schools where in lock down. Michael K. "Stix" Addison the shooter ran after he shot an officer in the head.

Officer Briggs died yesterday afternoon. And for what? For nothing, and it really upsets me. This man had two children, a wife, a mother, father, family and a city. And his life was taken away for what!?

I don’t or didn’t believe in the death penalty. I do now. I hope this man gets it. He took the life of a young officer who was doing nothing more then protecting the city he loved…

And you know what the worst thing is? He was fifteen minutes away from the end of his shift. Fifteen minutes away from going home. Anything could have changed the outcome of this situation, anything… All it would have taken was the difference of a minute…

If you live in the area go down to the corner of Lincoln and Lake Av. and leave a candle burning for Officer Briggs… Its just about all we can to.
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November 7th... [11 Oct 2006|05:08pm]
I could imagine my life without him. He’s the only one I have ever really loved and when we where apart, everyone I dated was compared to him and no one came close.

I am scared to death. This is perfect, he’s perfect… We’re perfect. I just want him to come home. I miss him so much and when we’re apart it’s like… I feel like my anthem is Fort Minor, “Where’d Ya Go”.

I am scared because I know this is something that I’m going to have to deal with because it’s his career and that’s not going to change. I think when he tours in the US it’ll be a little easier because I’ll be able to talk to him more.

I’m picking him up at the airport with his family on November 7th. November 7th couldn’t come fast enough. It seems like it’s been forever already and still there are 26 days left to go. I just can’t wait for the moment when I see him; it’s going to be like in the movies. The run across the airport, and diving into the arms… Agh! I can’t wait.

I got to talk to him earlier this week and it was amazing to hear his voice. I never knew a voice was something you’d miss so much.

And you know what the worst thing is. Sometimes I forget that he’s away and something will happen and I’ll reach into my pocket to call him… And I’ll press five… And then remember “oh yea, I can’t call him.” And it brings me to tears.

This is by far one of the hardest things that I’ve gone through. Worse then college, tests, SAT’s, any job I’ve ever worked… Any bad day I’ve ever gone through.

I just love him, and miss him a lot. November 7th, couldn’t come quick enough.

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So let [05 Oct 2006|09:46pm]
It’s amazing. I was there for so many people, and always a good friend I thought and then I needed someone… And no one was there. What kind of friends are these? Are they friends at all?

I did whatever I could to be a good friend. I know who are true from those who aren’t… And I’m sorry that we weren’t better than that. I thought we where.

So the time has come for me to move on and forget you. I’m the type of person who believes that it takes two people in a friendship, not one. And if you don’t return phone calls, you don’t deserve them in the first place.

So let love be loved, and now loss be lost.

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[01 Oct 2006|09:04pm]
I am in love with him.
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[25 Sep 2006|08:45am]
I couldn’t have cried harder this morning.
So much so my pillow was soaked and my heart hurt.

I miss him. This sucks. This one tour may kill me.
And this is his job.
The first tour of many tours.
How am I going to survive?
Not talk to him everyday.

I am in love… And a mess at best.

Why can’t it just be November 7th?

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Thank God. [20 Sep 2006|04:21pm]
So we’re fast forwarding months. This is what happens when I don’t have the internet…

I don’t even know if anyone reads these journals anymore, but what the hell. Mine-as-well write a quick update.

I’m back with Chris and have been since the Rock 101 fireworks. We’re getting married. This Saturday we went and look at rings and got our sizes and ideas. I got to pick out my band and it’s beautiful. It’s a five diamond band which I personally like more then the ring. Aha.

Chris left on Monday. He’s going on tour with David Cooperfeild and won’t be home until November 7. At first this was killing me and I still cry but I understand that it’s good and something that he’ll never be able to do again. The hardest part of it is that he won’t be able to call me all the time because he’ll be in all different countries; the tour isn’t in the U.S.

I went back to school and I’ll be done my degree in December and I’m excited. After school I’ll be moving to Winter Park, Florida and will be going to a school called, “Full Sail”. You can check it out at http://www.fullsail.com. The great thing about this school is that when someone asks me what college I go to… I can actually act like I’m proud of it. I can’t wait though, it’s going to be a lot of new adventures.

I am in love with him. I can not wait until we’re married, until his home is my home and until I’m Mrs. Ratay. It’s always been him and I. From the beginning… Since freshmen year. We’re the Corey and Tapanga of our time…

Thank God for him… All I can do is thank God.

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[10 Apr 2006|04:28pm]
P.S. I'm addicated to new Taking Back Sunday. If you're a cool kid you'd be too.

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[10 Apr 2006|04:20pm]
I don’t have the internet or a working computer for that matter so getting online is hard at this point.

My life is hectic. I work 32-34 hours a week. I intern three days a week. I go to school full time. I have homework. I am never home and I am always doing shit.

My uncle died two days ago from a massive heart attack and I want to go out to the wake and funeral but I can’t because I can’t get time off of work and I will fall behind in school. And I don’t want that to happen especially so close to the end of the quarter. But it really makes me feel selfish because I’m worrying about me, when I should be worrying about my dead uncle.

Whatever, being an adult sucks.

Alexander and I are done and I like it that way. I don’t miss him. I can only think about how good it is to wake up in the morning and not be upset about events which happened the night before. I wish nothing but the worse for him. He makes me sick.

Remembering Never and Since the Flood are playing Saturday at Metalfest and I think that’s going to be the only day that I’ll be going. Chris is getting a hotel room in Worchester so I’ll just stay there after.

Oh by the way, Chris moved home. I haven’t seen him yet because I haven’t had time but we’re hanging out tonight and getting dinner. It’s going to be nice to see him, it’s been awhile.

I’ll be done college in the winter… I don’t know what I want to do from there. I know I want to get a communications degree but I’m not sure if I want to take some time off of school and then go back… Or if I want to jump right in. I just want to be on the radio. That’s all. My dream.

So this summer should be good. I don’t plan on doing anything but working. And I’m looking into a new job. I sent in my resume and job applications for Visiting Angels which is a company that works with elderly. I would really enjoy that. Now that my family is starting to become older I am beginning to see how the system could work better.

Erica and I have been spending a lot of time together since she moved home. It’s nice to see her all the time. We’re awesome together and more then just awesome but ridiculous! It’s a lot of fun.

Upcoming Dates:
April 25, 2006: Taking Back Sunday, “Louder Now”
May 30,3006: Rescue Me!
May 2,2006: Rescue Me! Box set!
April29,2006: Metalfest

So many things have happened since January but I just don’t have the internet and being in the CTLA is so depressing.

Anyways, sorry to those I haven’t talked to in awhile. I miss everyone and I hope everyone’s doing well. <33

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[01 Apr 2006|06:55pm]
I SHOULD write more.
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[04 Jan 2006|11:44am]
Remembering Never - February 16th Brokton, MA - Romans
Who wants to come a long???
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[03 Jan 2006|11:02pm]
My Grandmother who is someone I’m very close with died on the 14th four years ago. It seems like yesterday and sometimes I don’t even thing she’s died. I miss her a lot. I hate Christmas Eve without her. They say as time goes by it get easier and it has, a little. But how could you forget someone who’s so important to you?

Looking back on journal entries which I made about her death makes me mad. I wanted to see her before she died, even if she wasn’t in a good state. She and I where really close… And my step mother told my father it would be best if we didn’t see her. Who is she to tell my father what we can handle? Even if it was something I couldn’t handle I’d bite my tongue and deal with it.

Anyways, my Grandmother told Trish and my father to tell them that she wishes she could be there when I graduated, got married and have kids. I would have died to hear it come from her mouth… Now I’m getting older and those times are coming. I have already graduated high school, and college soon. It’s hard.

What makes it harder too is my Grandmother was cremated and doesn’t really have a place of rest. She wanted to have her ashes poured into the ocean. She loves the ocean. Saturday I will be taking a ride down… I think that’s the closest I will ever be able to get to her.

She used to tell us that when she dies she’ll make sure that we know she’s around… We used to think it was her turning the TV on and off, but that was a timer. Sometimes I see her in my dreams… Dreams are going to have to be good enough for now on…

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[30 Dec 2005|08:52pm]
Tomorrow’s January 1st.

Please God, don't let this be another year like last.

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[15 Dec 2005|11:47pm]
This will be the first Christmas Eve in my whole life where I'll be staying home.
I am not longer talking to my father... And this time it's for good.

I am not a piece of shit. </3 - xKILLxCHRISx
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[04 Dec 2005|11:13pm]
I don't know why I do this to myself.
Maybe I am retarded.
Or maybe being alone scares me more than death.


"Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,"

This once was my soundtrack,
But then it turned out to be me ending credits.
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[01 Dec 2005|11:49am]
My self-esteem is pretty shot right now.
Christmas is coming, this year wont be too bad.
Not having money really sucks though.
Erica comes home soon,
Things will get better than.
I am single, single, single.
I hate being a fat ass.
They'll tell you, you aren't.
But pictures don't lie.
Pictures are the truth you carefully ignore.
Mmmhmm. Fat ass.
Finals are on the weekend? Who would have thought.
I want to intern for The Morning Buzz, they have an opening.
I had a dream last night my mom had a month to live,
She was dying of cancer, even after she quit smoking.
Out of all the dreams in the world,
The ones I hate the most is when a member of my family dies.
I don't understand it though,
About two weeks ago I had a dream about my dad dying.
I hate death, I can't handle it.
It scares me to death.
Being alone on the holidays sucks.
Being alone sucks period.
What ever happened to, "Until Death Do Us Part"?
He lied, people lie, everyone lies.
I need another job, maybe.
My schedual for school is fucked up...
The days went by faster with him in them.
It's weird, I don't remember the past eleven months going by so slow,
And now they drag.
I don't have anything to look foward to,
No hobbies,
My friends live far away,
No sports,
No boyfriend...
Basically no life other then work and school.
Ahah, I told him to make me.
I fucking hate cheaters.
"He can suck his own dick!" ;-) (erica)
Aww fuck school, it's lame.
I hate telling anyone I go to Hesser.
"What college do you go to", they ask.
"Hesser",I say.
"Why did you choose Hesser" they ask.

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[28 Nov 2005|11:13am]
I wish when I smile,
I didn't look like I have downs.
Ugly doesn't even begin to explain it.
Erica came and went,
Ten hour drives really flippin suck.
Ashlee called me, left a message.
I called her back, nothing.
Kay called me, left a message,
Told me to call her,
I don't have her number.
My new cell phone is a floppin' piece of shit.
I can't stand Hesser College,
Basically no one has manners.
BTW - I am done by September sucka'.
I hung out with Matt in my bedroom with Erica, on Thanksgiving.
There was something about a toilet paper roll,
I don't remember. They'd be a cute couple.
Chris and I talk a lot lately, it's cool.
I'm picking him up from the airport on the 20th.
Oh man! Mike and I are hitting up Saw 2 on Thursday.
I really wanted to see it and now I am,
With an awesome guy!
Erica’s coming home in December!
Only three more weeks of this bullshit.
Nick Edge and I, peanut butter and jelly,
Erica is the bread.
Alright, this is getting dumb.


P.S. I hope everyone had a awesome Thanksgiving.
I stuffed Erica like a turkey, twice! ;-)
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[23 Nov 2005|08:27am]

Nick, Brandon and I...
Are going to pick up Ericaaaaa!

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[04 Nov 2005|11:32am]
This wouldn't be so hard if I had someone to talk to.

I let myself down.
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[02 Nov 2005|11:05am]
I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I just want to stay in my room away from everyone.
I don’t want to think, only sleep.

I need a lot of time to get over this one.
And it’s my fault, I did it to myself.
I knew, I knew the entire time

I am stupid. I am retarded. I am dumb.
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